Reveries

The worse part of bad things happening is accepting them as they are. You have to accept that some people will never change, they might never love you as much as you need them to, mistakes you've made might never be forgiven and dreams you've had since you were little might never come true. You have to accept that people that used to be in your life may never be there again. But accepting their indefinite absence and the underlying pain that accompanies that truth doesn't mean you have to lose hope. All acceptance means is that despite all of these misfourtanes, you have to keep going and you have to keep believing that it will get better. You have to keep believing that tomorrow will be different than today. It sounds a lot easier than it actually is, though. It hurts to let go of people that mean so much to you because at the end of the day, you want to have hope. You hope that deep down inside, they do love you. That deep down inside, they actually care about your feelings. But accepting that they don't, well that's enough to make you want to chug a fifth of southern comfort. What's even worse is not knowing why you can't just accept loss. I've known people -- members of my own family -- that are able to cut people out of their lives with no questions asked. Most people can when someone does something terrible to them. Some people even have a three strikes rule: first strike is forgiven, second strike makes you recall the "fool me once, shame on you" saying and the third time.. well thats the time to say fuck you, I'm done. Well, that's not how I work, apparently. Not when it's someone I really, deeply and truly love. Not when it's someone I deeply need to need me, or love me.. or just care about me. Not when it's my father.. not when it's my sister who throughout my life has been the only person I can truly rely on. Not when it's my best friend who isn't my best friend anymore because of a mistake I made when I was 15 but she didn't know until I was 19 because I lied about it. I keep forgiving them when I shouldn't and she won't forgive me because she shouldn't. She's a lot stronger than I am and a lot more stubborn than I am. She has the ability to cut people out of her life even though she still -- somewhere deep inside of her, though she'll never admit it -- wants them in her life. I wish I could do that. I wish I knew how to accept that she'll never forgive me and despite me calling her it, she'll never be my best friend again. So not only do I need to accept the people that have let me down but I have to accept that I have let people down. The people that I let down are only doing to me which I wish I could to the people who have let me down. Can I blame them? No. I accept it and do everything I can to never hurt someone again. To never hurt someone like I hurt her and never hurt someone the way they hurt me.